What I am looking forward to, coming home

As I posted recently on what I will miss in Cameroon, I wanted to also post some of the things I am most looking forward to in the states in the next few months and year.

Of course first and foremost, I am so excited about spending time with my family, and after that, my friends. I will be home in Charlottesville for the whole summer until the fall, and I am looking so forward to living with my sister, and hanging out with my parents and just being with them. I do hope to be able to take a few road trips and visit some friends who are a little farther away from Charlottesville, perhaps to NY. And I am looking so forward to just being able to call up friends to chat for a few minutes.

Over the past year I have read some books and become very interested in permaculture. Permaculture is the combination of ideas of sustainable agriculture/livestock raising and design principles, so that one can design systems which are energy efficient and ecologically balanced. These systems may be on a home scale (i.e. architecture) or a farm scale, or even neighborhood or community/city. The fact that it combines art aspects with ecology and agriculture means it marries two of the major interests in my life. And so I am very excited about this idea. There are 2 week certification courses in Permaculture, given throughout the country. I am looking for one in the VA/NC area, and am looking forward to getting certification in permaculture, perhaps opening opportunities in permaculture consulting down the road. (check out the book Introduction to Permaculture by Bill Mollison if you're interested!)

I have applied to four graduate schools in the area of Natural Resources and Forestry for starting in the fall. I am waiting to hear back from their admissions departments, and am looking forward to starting work on a Masters. I hope that I might be able to take my experiences in Cameroon and translate them into research work, and perhaps return to Cameroon in the area of research a few years down the road.

I have really missed art while I have been in Cameroon, and that is one of the reasons I spent so much time at the Alliance Franco-Camerounaise. Still, I am so excited to be in Charlottesville, for First Fridays, for concerts, just for the art that is available. There is a new arts initiative, which some members of our church, Trinity Presbyterian are involved with, along with other artists in the community. It is called New City Arts Initiative and is made up of artists (and perhaps art lovers) in the community who are active in many mediums and genres, and who get together for converstaions, discussions, projects, art shows. I am very excited to get involved with this initiative! I had the chance to do some painting here in Cameroon and am going home with 13 oil paintings, as well as a few watercolors. I do hope to be able to show them at some point, maybe as a homecoming or Cameroonian themed party, especially in the hopes of educating Americans about Cameroon and Cameroonian culture and people.
Finally, I am hoping to help some musician friends in Cameroon release their first album. I may try to do some fundraising parties, or try to sell some Cameroonian themed paintings in order to help them raise the money for the release. Look for more news down the road on this initiative! Im happy to have the possibility of staying connected with my friends and the culture in Cameroon as well share my experience in Cameroon through a project like this. Please ask me for more information if you are interested!

Leaving Garoua

Well, today I'm heading out of Garoua, for the last time, for now. I'm taking all my stuff to Mafa Kilda, where I will spend the night and say goodbye to all my friends there. Then in the morning I'll catch the bus to Ngoundere on the side of the road. I'll spend the night in Ngoundere as well, to take the train to Yaounde Sunday night. It's hard to believe! It's also hard to believe that I'm feeling very calm. This is an answer to prayers! I've been making the rounds saying goodbyes to people, and most everyone I've gotten to see. IAnd, thankfully, my things are packed up pretty nicely, with a few overflow items. I just went to the Alliance and said goodbye to some resident artists, picking up a few more last minute gifts and chatting with friends. It seemed like I could be back next week. As I cross the bridge over the Benoue, one more time, heading south out of Garoua, I'll say goodbye to the hippos, whose backs are well visible out of the dry season water level. The last time I crossed it, I counted 12 or 13!

I actually haven't written much lately at all, on the blog or in my personal journal even. Probably because my emotions have been so rollercoaster, so much has been going on in my head, that I haven't even attempted to try to write about it. Maybe I'll regret it later, but I think it has allowed me to be a little less frazeled and get on with the packing and trip. A few things I have noted, mentally: looking forward to the future, and what comes next has helped me not dwell on the past and present and things I will be leaving behind. Having a feeling that I will be back to visit in the not to far future has helped it be easier to leave this time...although this could be an illusion, as I may find the road back here to be much longer or more difficult than I am imagining right now. And finally, the extra three months here, allowing me to finish up a few projects, and moving from the village to Garoua, helped in leaps and bounds. I don't feel rushed leaving, I don't feel like there are loose ends I'm leaving behind. Everything seems completed, and I feel as ready as I could feel I think. What's important is that even if there were things I would like to hold onto, the lifestyle in village, my friends here, my work here, I know that I wouldn't want to continue on in this manner (as a Peace Corps volunteer). I can't stay a volunteer forever, nor would I want to, though it has opened up wonderful doors of opportunity, skills, and relationships. I have finished being a Peace Corps volunteer. It feels completed, full, and a great experince, and also something I don't want to prolong. Thus, knowing that, that I am finished with this life in the context of a Peace Corps volunteer, I am happy to move forward to what comes next, what will open up the doors for the future, perhaps landing me back here down the road, in the same lifestyle and work and endeavors, but a different context, of studies or NGO work, or something else entireley different. Thinking about this has also helped it be easier to move forward, be ready to go home, looking to the future, and not wanting to hold onto the present. Perhaps other volunteers, or workers abroad have felt similarly. So it is I am having one more night in my village, hopefully not the last visit in my life!

Going away party

Wednesday I had going away party at the Alliance Franco-Camerounaise. I invited all my closest or most important friends from Mafa Kilda, Israel, Garoua, Ngong, and Langui. I think there were about 45 people who ended up coming, with only a couple of absenses! While, of course, the woman who I asked to cook, arrived over an hour late with the food, and I felt like it was kind of a bomb, I think everyone else really enjoyed it, and it did mean a lot to me to get to see everyone and give everyone a good meal, to thank them for their friendship and work over the past few years. The menu: rice and tasbah, plantains and some cabbage carrot salad (supposed to be legumes sautes), and follere juice. I had my paintings up as well, which was nice to get to show them for a week there. We took tons of photos after the meal, all identical me with each person, a bit repetative, but hey. Here's a few.

My homestay brother Abdu and homestay mom Aisatou

My homestay dad Ibrahima

Therese from WWF and her friend (and their gift of peanuts)

Hapsatou, Daly's wife

Peace Corps staff: Bubakary, Aboubakary, Amadou Toukour, and Issa Maman

I love this photo! Nguizaye Rebecca with Ndel Na Rachel

The whole family from Mafa Kilda, with Kelly and Me

things i will miss....

fresh avacados...for 30 cents---fresh food generally, not as much packaged things--the market ambiance---having a free lifestyle---being able to take care of animals, and have them accompany me everywhere---areas without urban sprawl---the neighborhood---singing and listening to tales with the children---having a job where i feel like i really make a difference---having a job and promoting work that i truly believe in and am passionate about---hamham---mangos and guavas---my outside latrine---shelling peanut times---braiding hair times---times with mbororos---speaking fulfulde---sewing, reading---time to watch ants---my field---a home without electricity---hearing the kids next door singing church songs in the evenings---sleeping outside 9 months out of the year---my house and gardens and kitchen---the endless potential for projects and learning---getting water at the pump---the pretty cows---having such a low energy lifestyle---knowing so many people in town

Maurice Kirya comes to Garoua

Maurice Kirya, winner of the 2010 RFI prix decouvert, came to Garoua on his West Africa tour. From Uganda, he was one of 10 finalist across Africa in this music competition. As the winner, RFI (radio france international) set up a West African tour, where he is hitting up about 14 countries in 28 days. Tiring! I felt lucky that Garoua ended up being one of the cities, along with Yaounde and Douala. His concert was amazing, the best live music I've heard in 2.5 years, and I have a terrible quality video, taken from my phone, of a smidgen of one of his songs, and I'm debating whether or not upload it, because it's pretty bad. Sadly, this being Garoua and the center of non-appreciation of art, the concert was one of the least attended I have been to there, and for the most accomplished artist I have seen there! It made me very sad for him, and I hoped he wasn't too discouraged. But definitely check him out. He is an incredibly talented musician. He's actually coming to the states again (he just did a tour in Dallas, DC, Philly and NY) but I'm not sure where yet. Check him out at www.reverbnation.com/mauricekirya.

ok. i'll try the video, but if its awful quality, don't watch it! just buy his cd.

"Only the mountains do not run into each other again..."

I can't say how many times I have heard this phrase in the past month. And I had never heard it before! But now everyone is saying it. "Seulement les montagnes ne se croisent pas." Meaning that in life, people may see each other again, because we are not fixed in the ground like the mountains. Saying goodbye hasn't been as hard as I had imagined. I think this is due to the fact that I have done it in stages, moving out of my house, and then out of the village, and then finally leaving Garoua. Having mourned leaving at each stage, I find at the end, I've already separated a bit, I've already shed my tears, it was just more drawn out, so it seems there is less at the very end.
But then in other ways, it is hard. The other thing I've been hearing is "Min woowi bee ma." "We've gotten used to you, and now you're leaving already! Nous sommes habitue avec toi." This is something in our environment that we are accustomed to, and like, and now it is changing. Sometimes I've had to laugh as even some people in the neighborhood in Garoua, where I moved for 2 months, have said that, though they've hardly seen me. I guess they've gotten used to seeing me sitting on the corner waiting for a moto taxi. And they'll miss that sight. But for people in village, it is hard and it does make sense. Especially the neighbors, who have also gotten used to me being there. There is an aspect of Peace Corps that I am not too fond of, and started realizing it in the first year. I often thought about how hard it would be for me to say goodbye to a community I had grown to love, to friends I had made and shared my life with. But I think I didn't realize the extent to which it is reciprocated. I might have thought that I would leave, and be very sad, but that the rest of the people here, would continue on, not being too affected. But in the first year, one of my good friends a tailor who knew lots of volunteers, and who passed away in November, said something about that. The words are simple and not so profound, but maybe it was the way he said it that struck a cord and has always stuck with me. He said "Eventually you will go; you're here for a while, and we become friends, but then you'll go back home again. We're used to it by now; we're used to our friends leaving and new ones coming and we are still here." And that made me very sad, that they are used to volunteers or students coming and going, but noone stays. Americans often are used to traveling and used to moving. And while its true that many Cameroonians also are very transient, moving somewhere for a year and then coming back, or going to visit relatives for 4 months, other Cameroonians are not, and stay in the same place for all their lives, with very little travel, even to the next villlages. Very little change in their routine. I'm reminded of how when I had been in Mafa Kilda for 6 months, and suddenly noticed a change in people's behavior towards me (becoming more open and more friendly) many people started saying, "Oh, you're staying here forever now." They had been used to students who came for 1 or 3 months, and when I passed that point, thought I was here to stay. And so I understand the idea that "We have gotten used to you being here. We don't want you to leave." It is hard to have the routine change, and maybe harder than for Americans who are more used to these changes. Ramani, recently has said that he has worked with lots of foreigners, and now he doesn't want to any more. Because it hurts too much to grow close and then have them leave. It's too difficult. That he said this, and two times no less, is striking, because it is slightly uncommon sharing that level of honesty on interior feelings for Foulbe Ladde.
And what do I feel when I hear this? On some levels I feel guilty. But stronger than that, I feel like I want to be different. I don't want to be just another volunteer who comes and goes and is never heard from again, or else who calls occasionally or visits once, but that's it. I want to keep in contact, call on the phone, write letters to those who have a PO Box, come back for a visit. Thats the least I can do, and its more than most people end up doing. But still, when people are saying these things, I want to stay. Or come back in a more permanant or long term facon. I want to be different. I want to be there for them. I want to hold in esteem the relationships that we forged and give honor to them, by continuation. I'm not ok with just packing up and being another volunteer who has come and gone, especially with the people have opened their hearts to them.
I do have certain dreams that I have fostered over the past year. Dreams of building a house in the mountains between Mafa Kilda and Israel; dreams of starting an agroforestry/permaculture demonstration farm, and art center. Ideas of all the things I could do and work on if I came back in a more permanant fashion, at least part time. (the house and farm are already designed down to the last detail...that's how long I've been thinking about it!) Dreams of seeing all my neighbor kids grow up, being at their weddings, growing old with some of my friends there. But such an endeavor is so difficult, is necessarily long term, and necessarily divides me from my life in the States as well. I've thought about the possibilities of splitting time between the countries, six months here, six months there, but in farm work, that's not optimum, nor even perhaps allowable. And I'm not ready to choose one over the other. So that's where I am: wanting to still spend time in Cameroon, not wanting to abandon the relationships I have, yet not being able to move there permanantly, for the desire of being in my own country with my US friends and family as well. As volunteers, or missionaries, or anyone who does longterm service in another country, we become somewhat schizophrenic. Are we Cameroonian or American? While still American, and still holding most American perspectives, there are parts of me that have become Cameroonian I think. It's ways of doing things, ways of living, and even changes in ways of thinking. The funny thing is I'm still American looking on the outside, but the inside is a bit mixed, both in a way. I can contain both within me. But when it comes to where we can live, it's not so easy. We can't live in two places at once. Who knows. Maybe God will open up a way or a path to come back. And if that is the case, I will feel a peace about it and feel ready to go. But it still hurts leaving my friends here behind, those who have opened up their hearts to me, who have gotten used to me, and now see me packing up like others as well.
Part of the other reason it has been not as hard for me to say goodbye, is the feeling that I will be back. I will certainly be back to visit, I hope in the next 2-3 years, but perhaps for longer. Of course, this is a feeling, and it may be that it doesn't materialize. And if not, then maybe my mourning will come, farther down the road. In many ways I feel like the departure has not hit me and that perhaps when I get to the States, it will hit me and I will be more sad there. We shall see.